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Friday, March 20, 2020

10 Book Titles So Awesomely Bad They're Good

Sometimes the title of a movie or song is so tongue-in-cheek, so kitschy, so incredibly insane that it isn't just bad, it's awesomely bad. It grabs your attention and makes you eager to learn more. In fact, it's because they are so bad that they are fun. Heckling them while experiencing them isn't just accepted, it's encouraged!

Think of movies like "They Came From Beyond Space" or "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes!" (exclamation included!). Or songs like "One Eyed One Horned Flying Purple People Eater" or "My Ding-A-Ling." Just about any song by "Weird Al" Yankovic counts.

Why shouldn't books be any different? Oh, sure, you may be one of THOSE types, the snobbish literati who considers the written word sacrosanct and looks down their nose at anything that isn't on Oprah's Book Club list. Hey, more power to ya. There's a place for that. But the rest of us value entertainment of a more lowbrow sort, sometimes.

Here's a Top Ten Countdown of book titles guaranteed to be so bad that they grab your attention:

The cats of America are under siege!  Long gone are the good old days when a cat’s biggest worries were mean dogs or a bath. Modern cats must confront satanists, online predators, the possibility of needing to survive in a post-apocalyptic wasteland, and countless other threats to their nine lives.

9. Italian Without Words by Don Cangelosi
You don’t need words to speak Italian. You don't have to study Italian or travel to Italy to communicate like a true paesano. All you really need is this unique "phrase book" of the most common Italian expressions, complete with authentic Italian gestures and body language. It's the fastest and funniest way to learn Italian ever published. Now, even if you don't know a single word of Italian, you can learn the most common greetings and expressions, dinner-table comments, hot vows of love, bargaining tricks, insults, threats and curses. This book shows you how.

Attack of the Vampire Ninjas is the story of Tsukiko and her team of ninjas, who also happen to be vampires, as they hunt the mysterious and elusive Agent Green. Action! Comedy! Vampires! Ninjas! You'll find all this and more in Jordan Prokosch's amazing debut novel!

Because Japanese + vampire = "Jampyre"? And... they write Haikus??...

7. Here Comes the Jampyre: Book 2 of The
Vampire Haiku Chronicles by Arakaki Soto
After the death of her father, Misake vows to keep his legacy alive in Tokyo's criminal underworld. But when she spurns Boss Oh's desire to join families, the elder female Yakuza boss retaliates against many of Misake's businesses. The Jampyre in turn, wages war against the other families, systematically taking each down with the hopes of becoming the sole power in Japan.

For writers everywhere. I feel accused...

6. Nobody Wants to Read Your Sh*t: Why
That Is And What You Can Do About It by Steven Pressfield
Recognizing this painful truth is the first step in the writer's transformation from amateur to professional. 
From Chapter Four: 
“When you understand that nobody wants to read your shit, you develop empathy. You acquire the skill that is indispensable to all artists and entrepreneurs—the ability to switch back and forth in your imagination from your own point of view as writer/painter/seller to the point of view of your reader/gallery-goer/customer. You learn to ask yourself with ev­ery sentence and every phrase: Is this interesting? Is it fun or challenging or inventive? Am I giving the reader enough? Is she bored? Is she following where I want to lead her?"

The next three are part of a series, all of which make the cut!

5. Bloodsucking Fiends: A Love Story by Christopher Moore
Jody never asked to become a vampire. But when she wakes up under an alley Dumpster with a badly burned arm, an aching back, superhuman strength, and a distinctly Nosferatuan thirst, she realizes the decision has been made for her. 
Making the transition from the nine-to-five grind to an eternity of nocturnal prowlings is going to take some doing, however, and that's where C. Thomas Flood fits in. A would-be Kerouac from Incontinence, Indiana, Tommy (to his friends) is biding his time night-clerking and frozen-turkey bowling in a San Francisco Safeway. But all that changes when a beautiful undead redhead walks through the door...and proceeds to rock Tommy's life -- and afterlife -- in ways he never thought possible.

Being undead sucks. Literally. 
Just ask C. Thomas Flood. Waking up after a fantastic night unlike anything he's ever experienced, he discovers that his girlfriend, Jody, is a vampire. And surprise! Now he's one, too. For some couples, the whole biting-and-blood thing would have been a deal breaker. But Tommy and Jody are in love, and they vow to work through their issues. 
But word has it that the vampire who initially nibbled on Jody wasn't supposed to be recruiting. Even worse, Tommy's erstwhile turkey-bowling pals are out to get him, at the urging of a blue-dyed Las Vegas call girl named (duh) Blue. 
And that really sucks.

While some lovers were born to run, Jody and Tommy were born to bite. Well, reborn, that is, now that they're vampires. Good thing theirs is an undying love, since their Goth Girl Friday, Abby Normal, imprisoned them in a bronze statue. 
Abby wants to be a bloodsucking fiend, too, but right now she's really busy with other stuff, like breaking in a pair of red vinyl thigh-high Skankenstein® platform boots and wrangling her Ph.D.-candidate boyfriend, Steve (the love monkey). And then there's that vampire cat Chet, who's getting bigger and smarter—and thirstier—by the minute. Abby thought she and Steve could handle the kitty cat on their own, mais non . . .
The next one was almost a tie for first place....

In a time when the seed of evil was covering the planet and the pure had fallen in battle, Priest-Lucius and his daughters, Destiny, Charity, Hope and Faith were punished, tragically torn apart and separated in time by a vengeful supernatural power. 
Desperate to find his daughters, Lucius embarks upon a perilous journey through the ages of time. Finally reunited in the dark flooded lawless future of the human race, Lucius is shocked to find himself in the same war, new jungle “Scumbag Central” and that certain things about Destiny, Charity, Hope and Faith aren’t quite as they should be. 
This family may be gifted, but are they equipped to deal with the sinister forces that lay in wait, and will their hellish past catch up with them?

and Number One is:

All Rebecca Carrington wanted was some decent hair care products on board the starship, but when Captain Avan Hunter walks into her life, she discovers she has much more primal needs.The six-foot tall, menacing hunk of Adasaurus hotness had her quivering to the tips of her toes, but he was a big, muscular, glorious slab of taboo.

You may have noticed a trend here: 6 of the 10 titles are "vampire" in nature. I guess you can say I'm biased. Or perhaps vampires, themselves, are so diabolically kitschy that they lend themselves to such titles.

I hope you check out some of these. I know I will!

Cheers and happy reading!

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